


I'll Stop Eating Food and I'll Squeeze Into A Dress

by getalittleclosey



Category: One Direction
Genre: Eating Disorders, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-09
Updated: 2013-02-09
Packaged: 2017-11-28 17:09:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/676843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/getalittleclosey/pseuds/getalittleclosey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eleanor Calder just wants to be perfect and she finds herself slipping and using any means to be good enough. Serious trigger warning.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll Stop Eating Food and I'll Squeeze Into A Dress

**Author's Note:**

> The first fic I ever wrote back last year and I'm extremely attached to it! Title is from Be Like You by Ed Sheeran. This is pure fiction and I don’t believe that Eleanor has or had an eating disorder. If you have an eating disorder I ask you to seek help (whether it be a friend, family member, doctor, or even me, just find help please) no matter how scary it may be. Oh and I don’t think Eleanor is fat in any way shape or form omfg. Also I was too lazy to convert pounds to stones sorry. But if it helps you, 14 pounds is 1 stone. I’m really proud of this actually so I hope you like it!

Eleanor is 14 when she realises she is fat.

115 lbs of pure disgusting fatty fat.

Her thighs touch and her stomach sticks out a little and her favourite jeans won't button anymore. She hates it and hates herself for letting this happen. 

It isn't _fair_ that both she and Corin can order a cheeseburger (hold the pickles) and fries with a diet coke and Corin stays stick thin and Eleanor bloats up like a cow.

It isn't fair how Corin can fit a size extra-small swimsuit and Eleanor suddenly can no longer squeeze into that size and is forced into wearing a small that isn't nearly as cute as the extra-small looks.

Eleanor's bra won't buckle anymore and she has to go and get a 34 B instead of a 32 B. She hates herself and what she'd let herself become. She hates being the fat friend. It is time to change.

Eleanor is 15 when she realises that getting a hamburger instead of a cheeseburger isn't doing much to help her. She's 120 lbs and fat as can be and she still hates it.

It's an unsuspecting Tuesday when she goes online and looks up "how to lose weight fast". She scrolls through google's summaries of webpages saying to "exercise more" and "eat Special K!" or to "try the South Beach diet" and telling her to "buy these DVDs and work that fat off in just one month!"

But that's not what Eleanor's looking for. She's a teenager and a little lazy and doesn't _want_ to exercise or eat Special K. She wants to laze around and munch on PopTarts. But Eleanor finds that there's no exercise-free PopTart diet, so she slams the lid of her laptop and does a belly flop onto her pink flowered bedspread. 

(She really kind of hates pink and really hates her eight year old self for loving pink because now she's stuck with the colour pink. She's stuck with her grandma buying her pink pyjamas for Christmas every year and her aunt buying her pink stationary for her birthday. Her relatives don't seem to understand that it's been six years since she could stand anything pink.) 

At dinner her mom makes pancakes. Her mom has this thing about eating breakfast for dinner (she  _loves_  it) and her dad never used to let her mom make it because it is "fucking weird". So since the divorce her mom has made breakfast for dinner every night. It's been 3 years and Eleanor is sick of waffles and pancakes and eggs with bacon. She's pretty sure if she sees syrup one more time she'll refuse to eat it or possibly die. But she doesn't complain or else her mom will send her back to her dad's and she definitely doesn't want to go there. (Every other Thursday is plenty time with her dad thankyouverymuch.) 

So blueberry pancakes for dinner it is.

Eleanor eats five and feels utterly sick afterwards.

That night (or, more accurately, very very early the next morning) Eleanor wakes up and rushes to the bathroom with barely enough time to make it to the toilet bowl. She's violently sick for an hour before her body decides it's had enough. She shakes and trembles and has a little pancake in her hair and takes an hour long shower to clean the sick feeling from her. Her mom is still out working (she's a nurse and is never home at normal times) and Eleanor has never been home alone when she's sick. She wishes again for a sibling, perhaps a little sister who she could cuddle up with right now and would make her feel better simply by being there.

She steps out of the shower and towels off and finds her most comfortable sweats and a very worn in t-shirt from summer camp three years ago and pulls them on. She curls up in a ball under her stupid pink covers and squeezes her eyes shut and tries not to cry.

Eleanor wakes up in the morning to her mom shaking her shoulder gently. She looks around and it's bright outside and she squints at her phone and realises it's noon. She's missed school, which is insanely odd because her mom would never let that happen (even when she’s working she’ll call Eleanor at 7:02 on the dot to make sure she’s awake and getting ready for classes) and Eleanor never sleeps through her alarm.

If there's anything that Eleanor really enjoys, it's school. School has Corin and Sana and Ella. School has freedom from home and plenty of distractions from fat. Eleanor is  _good_  at school. She can read lightening fast and can solve maths equations in her sleep. In chorus she can't sing very well but Ella is there to make fun of Mr. Monty with her so it's a laugh and she likes it. She's smart and she's happy and she smiles at school. So she's upset that she has missed it. 

Eleanor's mom rubs her back and tells her to sleep some more because she's burning up. She says to eat a little toast if she feels up to it. But now her mom has to run back to work (and it's not even like the Calders are struggling for money. Her grandparents were loaded and left all their money to her mum because they never forgave her aunt for eloping. So they have a lot of family money and Eleanor's mom could never work a day in her life and she and El would be fine until well after Eleanor is married and has a family of her own. Eleanor thinks that her mom just likes distraction from the empty house and the reminder of her ex husband.)

Eleanor rolls over and sleeps for another nine hours until it's dark outside and she barely has enough energy to drag herself to the bathroom to brush her teeth and wash the sweat from her face.

She stays sick for another day and a half and eats a slice of toast and half a banana (her experiment with soup sent her straight back to the bathroom.)

The next day is a Friday and she's ready to go back to school. She opens her closet and pulls on a pair of shorts and is surprised to find that she needs a belt when last Saturday she wore these to go bowling and they barely buttoned. 

Eleanor realises that this is what she was looking for, an easy way to lose weight. All she had to do was get sick.

But Eleanor is smart and knows that throwing up your food all the time on purpose is stupid. It's a disease and it's called bulimia. So Eleanor promises herself right then that she'll never ever do that.

The next weekend Eleanor is invited to a party at Danny Gregor's house. (And yes it's  _the_ Danny Gregor, the one that Eleanor has been crushing on since she was 11 and now she's 15 and he's only gotten cuter and he plays lacrosse and if that's not perfection Eleanor doesn't know what is.)

On Thursday she discovers that her lucky jeans don't fit. 

Her mom makes waffles for dinner and Eleanor eats three and sulks afterwards. She gives her a swift kiss on the forehead and rushes out the door to work. Eleanor finds herself in the bathroom staring at her stomach in the mirror. She pushes it out and frowns and glares at it, as if that will make it go away. It doesn't. She sucks it in and smiles because her belly isn't hanging over her waistband and suddenly she's kneeling on the floor in front of the toilet with a toothbrush in her hand. Her knuckles are white from clenching her fist around it as hard as she can and her french tipped nails are cutting half moons into her palms.

She takes a deep breath and leans over the toilet seat pressing the back end of the toothbrush (stupid pink of course) as far back into her throat as it will go. She coughs and pulls it out and shakes her head because really, is she doing this? But then she thinks of Danny and she thinks of her jeans and she thinks of stupid Erica with her stick thin body and her big boobs and flirty ways and Eleanor takes another deep breath and pushes the toothbrush back in. She leans over the toilet and holds her brown waves back with her left hand. Her eyes start to water and she chokes and coughs twice more before her waffles are flushed away and there's a triumphant smile on her face as she brushes her teeth.

By Saturday she fits into her jeans and she gets a little tipsy and spends a half hour of the party in Danny's bedroom snogging him and it's as Danny has one hand in her hair and then other grasping her bum that she decides this is the smartest idea she has ever had.

Eleanor is 16 when Ella catches her throwing up in the loo by the gym. Eleanor wasn't careful enough and didn't remember to lock the door and feels utterly stupid. Her heart races and her eyes go wide and she stammers out that it's the first time and she promises over and over that she'll never do it again and she only did it because Danny finished with her and she was really upset about it. (The truth is that she finished with Danny because after eight months of seeing him, she'd discovered he was an ass and also she will absolutely make herself throw up again. She won't be the fat friend again.)

Ella sends Danny dirty glares all week and flips him the bird when he dares to glare back.

It's the first time Eleanor has lied to Ella's face.

Eleanor is 17 when she comes home for the holidays from college and her mom asks if she's been eating enough. Eleanor says yeah mum, of course, I've just been working out with Sana recently. We're training for track in the spring. 

Her mom smiles and gives Eleanor a hug because she did track in school and is so happy that her daughter is following in her footsteps. Maybe she'll even become a nurse. 

Eleanor throws up her hot dog that night. (Her mom has gotten over her breakfast for dinner thing and now refuses to eat breakfast food ever.)

Eleanor is 18 when she starts working at Hollister. She wanted to be a model for the store but apparently she isn't good enough or tall enough or tan or skinny enough. So she works the summer folding sweaters and greeting people at the door and telling them to "check out our new Malibu scent collection! It's, like, totally my favourite!" 

Eleanor meets Tanya and they giggle at the 13 year olds who come in and think they're cool because they now own an overpriced t-shirt that says Hollister across their boobs and Tanya does the best imitation of their manager and has Eleanor laughing until tears are coming out her eyes.

She and Tanya go out for their lunch break and Tanya orders a salad (no cheese, dressing on the side) so Eleanor does too because she's 105 lbs and should really be at 100. Nice round number. 

Tanya pushes the lettuce around her plate as she and Eleanor discuss music (they both religiously watch the X Factor and both love Katy Perry but Tanya adores Miley Cyrus and Eleanor can't stand her). Eleanor cleans her plate and uses all the dressing and Tanya still has all her dressing left and half of her dry salad is uneaten. Eleanor suddenly feels sick and excuses herself to the loo. She throws up and goes to wash her hands and is startled to see Tanya staring at her through the mirror. 

Bulimic huh? She says and Eleanor's eyes go wide because she's never used that word to describe herself (because really she’s not that bad. She’s not  _sick_ , she’s just controlling her weight) and she remembers her promise to her younger self and realises she has broken that promise over and over again. But then she nods because she really can't deny it and it feels good to tell somebody, like a weight lifting off her shoulders and it's not like Tanya knows any of her friends so who would she tell?

And Tanya surprises her by giving her a hug and dragging her out of the loo. She pulls Eleanor into Hollister and tells their manager that they have both come down with food poisoning from the cheese in the salads they had for lunch (total total lie, they didn’t even eat cheese and they definitely don’t have food poisoning) and need the afternoon off. She holds her stomach and adds a groan in for effect. Their manager is a squeamish guy so he practically shoves them out the door.

Tanya stays quiet until they reach her flat and Eleanor sits in the passenger seat, curious as to what is going on.

When they reach Tanya's flat Tanya tells her story. She tells about how she used to be bulimic until she ended up in the hospital and her throat was torn up and her parents didn't care but Tanya didn't want to die because of this so she just stopped throwing up so much and started eating less...and less..and less. 

Eleanor is 18 when she moves in with Tanya and starts Uni at Manchester. They work out together and cover for each other on the rare occasions that they do throw up and they go places together to avoid eating. They go to concerts and parties and are lightweights because they don't eat before they drink. They feel guilty for the calories from alcohol and don't ever eat the day after.They record their calories in diaries and share with each other and keep each other on track. They are inseparable and have everything in common (except for Miley Cyrus, but to be honest, she’s starting to grow on Eleanor. Except she hates that Miley is skinnier than she will ever be).

Eleanor always feels a bit like she's floating, light as a feather and slightly dizzy all the time. The feeling is delicious and addictive and she knows if she eats too much it goes away. So she doesn’t eat.

Eleanor doesn't go home so much anymore and only sees her friends every once in a while. She does miss them but she knows that if she sees them they’ll know and try to stop her. She really can’t have that because she  _need_ s to stop being fat and they won’t understand. She's still smart as a whip and has started studying nutrition and she has Tanya and she's 100 lbs and not so fat as she was before. (But now her goal is 92 because that's the year she was born and she and Tanya will get there, they will be skinny, they will be perfect, they will be good enough).

Eleanor is 19 when she is introduced to Louis. (Yes  _the_  Louis of One Direction). She and Tanya had watched last season's X Factor and Tanya had exclaimed about how she knew Harry from secondary school, he was two years below her but everybody knew him because he once got his hand taped to a desk and the YouTube video had been shared with the whole school over and over. (Plus she had kissed him in a game of spin the bottle and he was actually quite cute with his big green eyes and his brown hair that wasn't quite curly back then. But Tanya didn't admit that part to El because she had been 14 and he was a baby 12 year old, how embarrassing.)

 

So 7 months after the X Factor ended, she finds herself in Tanya's old home town of Cheshire meeting Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson. 

Louis is slightly older than her and slightly taller too. He has the softest hair she's ever ran her hands through and his lips taste like lip balm and his tongue tastes like mint gum and Eleanor decides she likes him. 

She meets the band (who are really like an extension of Louis himself) and she meets Louis' mom Jay and his pack of sisters who she falls in love with. Fizz loves when Eleanor braids her hair and Lottie will talk to her about Niall's eyes for days. Daisy and Phoebe want piggy backs everywhere and like to give her makeovers that usually end up with Eleanor's hair tangled and lippy all over her face. Eleanor loves them. She loves Louis and she loves everything about her life except when she goes home and looks in the mirror and cries and wishes she could be perfect and wishes she was skinny and wishes life was easy.

Eleanor meets Danielle and she's gorgeous and a dancer and so thin and how can Eleanor ever dream of being a girlfriend of a One Direction member when she has that to compete with? And Eleanor isn't so happy and she’s not good enough and it gets harder to hide.

But Eleanor likes Danielle and they become fast friends, bonding over crazy twitter stories and from being thrown together at insane 1D concerts. 

Eleanor forgets that Danielle is a dancer and there are a lot of dancers with eating disorders and after a three meals with Eleanor, Danielle knows that she's anorexic. It's something about her skin and her nails and the way she pushes her food around on her plate and drinks three glasses of water and when she does eat she rushes to the loo alone.

When Danielle and Eleanor hail a taxi to drive them home and Eleanor is sufficiently trapped, Danielle confronts her. Eleanor bursts into tears because she's being found out and what if she tells Liam who will no doubt tell Louis? But Danielle promises not to tell as long as Eleanor promises to get better. So Eleanor cries into Danielle's shoulder some more, sniffles, and Danielle holds out her little finger for a pinky promise. Eleanor can't help but laugh at that and she hiccups near the end of the laugh and she pinky promises with tears in her eyes and mascara on her cheeks.

By the next time she sees Danielle she has lost 5 more pounds. Danielle sighs and pulls her in for a hug and forces her to eat a salad and then refuses to allow Eleanor back into the bathroom until two hours later when Eleanor is begging that he has to pee. It's too late to throw up (Eleanor knows because she tries anyway) and Eleanor is frustrated with Danielle because Danielle is tall and skinny and doesn't understand what it's like to be fat. 

The next month Eleanor is out at the park with Lottie and Fizz. Fizz is on the swings and Lottie innocently asks how is Eleanor so skinny? Eleanor pales and clams up and doesn't know how to respond. She finally blurts out that it's a secret and Lottie looks at her, confused. She asks for Eleanor to share the secret because a girl at Lottie's school called her fat and Lottie doesn't think she is but if Valerie thinks she's fat then she must be, right? 

And Eleanor feels tears coming from her eyes because Lottie is just 14, the age Eleanor was when she realised the was fat and sweet innocent Lottie with her adorable boyfriend Martin and doting family can't ever become broken and destroyed like Eleanor. So she hugs Lottie tight and tells her she is gorgeous and skinny and perfect no matter what and that girl Valerie was just stupid and jealous. Lottie nods and says thank you and tells Eleanor she's like the big sister she never had. Fizz skips over to them and asks to go get ice cream. Eleanor nods and takes them and gets herself a small chocolate cone and eats half of it and it’s painful and almost impossible but she doesn't throw up.

Eleanor is 20 and she isn't living with Tanya anymore. She tried (and tried and tried) to get Tanya to understand that she has a problem. But Tanya denies and Eleanor cries because she's losing one of her best friends (someone she might have called a sister) and there's nothing she can do about it. She can't stay in the flat with Tanya, it's just not healthy. And Eleanor has to get better. Not just for herself, but for Lottie, for the sister she always wanted and finally has.

She has moved into Danielle's flat and Danielle eats every meal she possibly can with her and stays with her afterwards so she doesn't throw it up (except when she’s dancing or Eleanor is at Uni and then Eleanor tries but she can’t always force herself to eat). She relapses sometimes (to be honest sometimes is more like a lot) and when she sees a comment on her twitter mentions about how she's ugly and not good enough for Louis she cries and refuses to eat and throws up anything that's forced into her mouth. 

She told Louis and it was the scariest moment of her life. First he just stared at her and shook his head but then he gave her a huge hug and kissed her long and hard and told her he would be there for her through thick and thin and that she will look perfect to him no matter what weight she is.

It's a long road to recovery but Eleanor has Louis and Danielle and she's slowly realising that she is good enough and was never actually fat to begin with. 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading! find me on tumblr getalittleclosey :)


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